~ Lazy Days of Summer

It’s a perfect cloudy day here and you’re probably thinking how can a cloudy day be perfect? There’s a cool breeze coming through the open windows and the patio door. The birds are singing and the mad dog down the street is barking like there’s no tomorrow. (Note, the barking I could do without, but hey, it’s part of the scenery.) It’s threatening to rain but all we’ve had so far are a few hit and miss sprinkles. I’ve got a perfectly brewed cup of Snickerdoodle coffee, my iTunes are feeding my music craving, and Murphy is already dozing at my feet. It’s one of those days that to me, defines the phrase, “lazy days of summer.” And even though it’s one of those rare cool, cloudy days that I love, I still want nothing more than to have my toes buried in the sand on a warm, sun-kissed beach.

I will admit that two weeks into summer vacation, even though my toes aren’t buried in the warm sand somewhere, I’ve definitely been enjoying my lazy days of summer. I’ve been reading like a fiend, and like the nerd I am, I’m keeping a ‘book diary’ of the books I’ve read. I’m on book number 8 right now, and while I’m no literary genius and my choices for summer reading walk a fine line along the border of something that either titillates my body or stimulates my mind, I love to read. I devour books and that is a trait I got from my mom; the love of reading.

Sadly, this is the first summer that I haven’t baked myself while lying next to a crystal clear swimming pool and admittedly, I miss it. Yes, I know that lying in the golden sunshine is not good for our skin unless we slather on the sunblock, but since I was a kid, lying by a pool has been one of my favorite summer things to do. At the end of the summer, my body was a healthy, glowing golden brown and my freckles were out in abundance. I still love to soak up the sunshine while lying by or floating in the pool, but these days, instead of giggling with my friends while trying to get the attention of the cute lifeguard, it’s done with a book and an adult beverage close at hand.

So far this summer, I’ve stuck close to home, traveling only as far as Columbus to visit Lynsay & Cody. Plans to visit my sister have been made and I’ll soon be on the road to Oklahoma. With any luck, before summer vacation comes to a close, KJ and I will find ourselves back in California for a few days.

There is certainly no shortage of things to do this summer ~ the Summer Arts Festival, Santa Lucia festival, the CWS, Papillion Days, Red Sky music festival, baseball at Werner Park, the list goes on and on. I already have plans to do a few of those things, with the College World Series at the top of the list. With the planning of Lynsay’s wedding in full throttle, there are bridal showers to attend, invitations to address and my own dress to shop for.

So far, I’ve had a good start to my lazy days of summer and hey, if you want lessons on how to be lazy, let me know; KJ will tell you that between Murphy and I, you’ll not only learn the art of laziness firsthand, you’ll master it in no time.

~ About Friendship

"I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff."

— Jon Katz

These girls and I have been friends for many, many years. This picture, taken 4 years ago on a trip to California, is one of my favorites of us. I chose this particular picture because these girls are the epitome of this quote, and when I found this quote, it’s this group of women who immediately came to mind. The Pipettes. With each other, we are a strong force to be reckoned with. Without each other, well, let’s just say without them, my life would be missing the warmth, love, and kindness that they continually bestow upon me.

I miss you guys and I love you all . . .

~ A Shout Out

It’s a well known fact to friends and family that I love my children more than life itself. Where my husband is my better half and my constant source of strength through life’s many trials and tribulations, my children are like bright rays of golden sunshine that filter through the clouds on a cold and dreary day. They have the ability to fill my life and my heart with a warmth in a way that only our children know how to do.

I’ve watched them both strive to find their place and leave their mark in this world. I’ve watched them not only set goals for themselves but achieve those goals that have been set. I’ve watched them push themselves, working tirelessly, sometimes burning the candle at both ends just to meet their goals.

When they entered college, they both chose a field of interest and stayed on course. We never pushed them towards a certain field or a more lucrative career. We counseled and advised when asked but ultimately, the choice was theirs and as parents, we supported them every step along the way.

So when Lynsay graduated from college last week with not one, but three degrees, I admit that as her mom, I was a bit disappointed for her in that her accomplishments couldn’t have been given the recognition that she deserved. Granted, she’s not the only college student to graduate with more than one degree and that day, she was just one fish in a sea of 1700; but she’s my fish and on that day, I wanted the whole world to know what she had accomplished.

I sat there that day and wondered how many other moms were there, frantically searching for that familiar face in a sea of black robes and then, with eyes glued to their child, watched as that child's first day of kindergarten played through their minds like an old familiar movie. I wondered if I was the only mom there who was so proud, that I was moved to tears. I wondered if KJ and I were the only parents whose eyes welled up with tears when we found her name (on page 25) of the program.

I know we weren’t. It was not only evident in the massive number of parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends who filled the auditorium that day, but it was abundantly clear in the cheers, the shout outs, the whistles, the cat calls and the blow horns.

While I realize that there’s not enough time to devote to calling out each individual degree that a student has earned, a small part of me wanted to jump up from my seat, fist pumping in the air as Lynsay’s name was announced and she was rushed across the stage and down the ramp. I wanted to shout to anyone who would listen how this amazing girl had exceeded all of our expectations and was not only graduating with 3 degrees, but had made the Dean’s List as well. As her name was called, I hooted and hollered before looking over at her dad, giving him that knowing smile that parents around the world give each other when one of their children has done something that we, as parents, deem incredible.

Stinkerbell? Here’s your shoutout: Congratulations on your degree in Business Management, your degree in Marketing and your degree in Entrepreneurship. And an extra big shout out for achieving that final goal you set for yourself: making the Dean’s List. We’re extremely proud of you.

~ On Mother's Day: A Letter To My Mother

Dear Mom,

It’s a strange coincidence that the six-month anniversary of your death just happens to fall on Mother’s Day. Six months - sometimes it feels like six days.

As you would expect, I’ve had my moments since you’ve been gone. I still catch myself picking up my cell phone to call you.

Sometimes it’s to share news or a story, but oftentimes it’s just to say hello and to hear your voice. The letdown I feel when I realize that you’re not there to pick up always leaves an ache in my heart.

My meltdowns,when I have them, happen mostly in private. I can be driving somewhere and I’ll see something that will spark a thought or a memory, and the tears that immediately sting my eyes threaten to spill. But it’s usually late at night when I’m in the shower that I allow myself to give in to my grief and to let the tears fall. Admittedly, there are times when those same tears turn into deep, soul-wracking sobs. Missing you, at times, is an overwhelming emotion.

I wonder if you witnessed my first ‘public’ meltdown a few weeks ago. I had stopped at Hallmark to get balloons for a friend and decided that while I was there, I might as well get my card shopping done. Because I had a few Mother’s Day cards to get, I decided to hit that section first. However, while standing there, the reality of you not being here on Mother’s Day was like a hard fist to the gut. It was as if the wind had suddenly been knocked out of me and that dreaded feeling of claustrophobia crept in, pulling me under and wrapping me in a dark shroud of sorrow. As hot tears blurred my vision, it was all I could do to pay for the balloons, offer a hurried explanation and get out the store. Once inside my car, I laid my head on my steering wheel and sobbed.

I can tell you that your LynsayLoo missed the sound of her Mimi’s voice singing to her on her birthday. It was then that I realized that I would never again hear you sing to me on my birthday.

But not all days are sad or hard days. There are happy days and joyous occasions where I know, had you been here, you would have been touched and proud.

Like the simple gesture of a gold cross being passed down from one generation to another. The same gold cross that was passed down to you and then to me, has now been passed down to your granddaughter. She was as touched as I was when you gave it me, and she wore it proudly for her confirmation and 1st Communion. You would have been so proud of her.

You would also be proud of her college graduation. She graduated from UNO with a triple major this weekend and she will soon be blazing her own path to the tune of, “My Way.”

In the short time that you’ve been gone, I’ve lost a childhood friend to cancer and then Raf to a sudden and totally unexpected heart attack. The finality of losing Raf has yet to set in. And although this first year of your passing has and will bring me more than my share of melancholy moments, it will also be a year where happiness will be scattered throughout, floating like the bright stars that fill the night sky.

Although it will be my first Mother’s Day without you, it’s the first year in two years that I’ll be with Ryan and Lynsay. This was the first Christmas in years that I was able to spend it with my sister and I hope that it was the first of many.

This year, your grandson had a milestone birthday - he’s now a quarter of a century old. It seems like yesterday when you would hold him in your arms and he’d make all those funny, “Ryan” faces. Now he’s renting a home, has a good job and is enjoying this stage of his life.

Our big joyous occasion this year will be Lynsay’s wedding. Along with her confirmation, her 1st Communion and college graduation, my Stinkerbell is getting married. I can still see in my minds eye her little fingernails with pink polish on them. She was so proud of those and you were so proud that she sat there so still, letting you paint her nails for the first time.

Like a sprinkling of Tinkerbell’s pixie dust, these past memories and upcoming moments fill my heart with love and warmth, despite the absence of you.

Your grandchildren ~ I know that you would be so proud of them.

As I come to the close of this letter, I wonder, as I so often do, if you knew how much I loved you. Did I show you that even though you didn’t give birth to me in the usual sense, you were my mother in every way imaginable. Did you know how lucky and truly blessed I felt that you ‘chose’ me, and that in my heart, you are my only mother. In spite of my flaws and countless imperfections, you loved me anyway, and you did so uncondtionally.

I hope I made you proud ~

With all my Love,

Happy Mother’s Day

~ My College Graduate

5-year College Education . . . . $60,000

New dress/shoes for the occasion . . . .$100

The look on her face when she got her diploma . . . Priceless

Congratulations, Stinkerbell; we’re so very proud of you and all that you have accomplished along the way. You never gave in and you never quit, bound and determined to show everyone what you are made of.

I know that you'll soon be blazing your own path and I know that you'll be doing it with style, with grace, and with that fierce determination that you've shown the past five years.

~ Summer

Summer . . . I’m ready

~ Balance & Empty Nest Syndrome

I love working and I love my job. It’s a job that I’ve loved since I started at the high school in 1996. Having my old job back after not working for three years is exciting.

That being said, while I love my job, I find that I’m having a hard time finding my ‘balance’ now that I’m actually working again. I seem to always be in a rush once I get home. At the end of the school day, I get home, start a load of laundry, do whatever needs done around the house and then start dinner. After dinner, I clean the kitchen, finish the laundry and then try to relax for an hour before I shower and get ready for the next work day. Somewhere in all of this, I try to find time (at least I hope I do) for KJ and Murphy.

I’m now starting to wonder how I managed to balance work and home when the kids were young. I worked 7 hours a day, 5 days a week (granted, I had school breaks and summers off), I taxied the kids to and from all their activities, doctor/dentist appointments; I cleaned the house every week, did 5 to 6 loads of laundry a week, and the grocery shopping and yet I don’t recall being frazzled or ever feeling rushed.

Is this because as parents of young children, we throw ourselves full steam ahead into our parental duties, not caring that we also work 35-40 hours a week? Or are we just so tired at the end of each day that we don’t realize that we’re frazzled or feeling rushed? Is this what ‘being balanced’ is when we’re parents and we don’t recognize or know what being ‘off balance’ is?

Granted, I’m still a parent, but Ryan and Lynsay are now 25 and 23 respectively. They’re both on their own and are in charge of their own lives. They are finally the ‘boss of themselves.’ I no longer have to drop one off at football and the other off at dance. I am no longer the magician, who, at one time, could actually be two places at once.

It’s not like I have to rush home and get that laundry list of things done all in one evening. It’s not like KJ is demanding and wants his dinner on the table the very second he walks in the door. If his blue shirt isn’t clean, he’ll wear the black one; it’s no big deal to him.

So why do I feel like I’m always in a rush to get things done? It’s because for 18 years, this was my life. I was raising my children – I was a parental taxi making sure each one was where they had to be at the time they had to be there. I made sure they had clean clothes to wear and hot meals to eat. I got them to the doctor and the dentist, the weekend sleepovers and the mall. I was super mom. And in between the carting around, the cooking, the cleaning, and the laundry, I still managed to spend quality time with both of my kids.

And now I miss it. I feel off kilter if I’m not busy (imagine how I must have felt in California where I wasn’t working and my kids were 2,000 miles away). I am finally feeling that ‘empty nest’ syndrome and I have a confession to make: I don’t like it. Not one little bit.

Maybe this is all in part because it has finally hit me that Lynsay will be graduating from college in two weeks and then moving right away to Columbus. Add to this her approaching wedding in October – yeah, empty nest syndrome. When KJ was traveling and Ryan left for college, it was just Lynsay and I. Now she will truly be in charge of her own life and while I’m incredibly thrilled for her, at the same time I’m a little sad. The time period that I have been looking forward to and dreading at the same time is finally here – it’s called “Empty Nest “ and it’s not anything that I expected.

Maybe as mothers, we’re supposed to feel off-balanced at this time. Maybe as mothers, this is just part of our make up, part of what makes us a mom. While I hate to say it, I also wonder if it goes back to that feeling of being needed by our children. I’m just going to say yes to all of the above and let it go at that.

Empty Nest – something we all look forward to but not always everything it’s cracked up to be; the time in our lives where finding our balance doesn’t come as easy or as quickly as we’d like. That time period in which we start praying for grandchildren and we can once again be blissfully balanced.