~ Airplane Etiquette

Last Sunday, KJ and I flew back to Cali from Omaha. It was a 6am flight, which meant we were at the airport before 5am and in all honesty, my happy ass was not happy at all. The early hour could very well have been the reason I was so intolerant of other people and their blatant inconsiderateness. Okay, that and the fact that there was so much Texas orange around the airport, I felt as if I had suddenly been transported to Texas. *shudders*

We eventually began to board our flight and I was immediately aware of the other passengers. Once on board and in our seats, I became even more aware. I couldn’t decide if they were simply ‘airplane etiqutte ignorant’ or just blatantly rude and inconsiderate of others. By the end of the day, I had decided that some of them were a lot of both.

Why have I never noticed this before? Maybe I have and at the time, I just shook my head at them and thought, “Bless their hearts.” Or, maybe I was so engrossed in the Bloody Mary that I was sipping at the time and I was in a mellow ‘I really don’t care’ attitude.

On the flight from Omaha to Denver, I mentioned to KJ that I was going to write a book on airplane etiquette. Like I said, I was fully aware of the other passengers, quietly watching them. And this time, instead of shaking my head, I was making notes to myself.

This is what I’ve come up with so far. I’m sure I’ll have more to add.

A Simple Etiquette Guideline:

1. While waiting in the terminal to board your flight, please remember that some airlines board by seating group. Also, take a quick glance at your ticket to see what Seating Group you are in. If you are in Seating Group 3, this means that you board the airplane when they announce that Seating Group 3 is now allowed to board the plane. This does not mean that you try boarding the airplane when they call for Seating Group 1 or Seating Group 2. It also does not mean that Seating Group 3 is the new code for First Class. Instead of crowding the aisles and getting in the way of those who are really supposed to be boarding, keep your happy ass planted firmly in your seat. You'll find that you have a few more minutes to finish that cup of coffee. This rule is simple enough for a 6 year old to understand. Here’s a tip - close your eyes and pretend that you’re a kindergartener. Then, listen to the instructions.

2. Ladies, when they tell you that you’re allowed 2 carry on bags AND your purse, this does not mean that you can carry on your purse (which is usually the size of a small suitcase), your briefcase, your tote bag, AND your suitcase. That, my dear, equals 4 carry-ons.

3. If, for some reason, you’re wearing a backpack, take the damn thing off before boarding the airplane. If you hit me one more time while standing next to my seat trying to find space in the overhead bin, I’m likely to rip that backpack right off your shoulders. Trust me, the flight attendants will thank me.

4. Ladies, if you can’t lift that big ass carry-on that you're wheeling behind you to place it in the overhead bin, check the damn thing. You have no business carrying a bag onto the plane that weighs more than you do.

5. To the passenger sitting next to me: It’s quite rude of you to be an armrest hog. Not only did you dominate both armrests, you had your legs spread wide apart to where I, (who was sitting in the middle) had to sit with my arms and legs pressed close together. It’s uncomfortable as it is to be seated in the middle, but you only made it worse by being an inconsiderate jerk.

6. To the passenger in front of me: Seriously, do you really need to position your chair as far back as it will possibly go? We’re already crammed in like sardines. We all know that unless you’re flying 1st class or Business Class, Coach seating is not as luxurious. I really don’t need my seat tray resting in my lap or my knees jammed up to my chest just because you can’t be a little more considerate of your fellow passengers.

7. Guys, remember that your voice carries, even from 6 rows up or 6 rows back. I don’t want to hear about the fight you and your wife had before you left. I don’t want to hear how you were so tanked up the night before that you and the toilet became close and intimate friends. And I certainly don’t want to hear about your latest sexual conquest.

8. People, when the flight attendant announces tthat it’s time to shut off ALL electronic devices, that’s exactly what she means. This does not mean that you can continue to send text messages and emails on your Blackberry as we’re taxiing down the runway. Again, listen to your instructions. Turn the damn thing off. Trust me when I say that she’s not giving these instructions just to hear herself talk.

9. I understand we all get colds. Do me a favor - when coughing and sneezing, instead of turning your head in my direction, cover your mouth. If I get sick, I promise that I will haunt you in your sleep.

10. Upon landing, when exiting the airplane, please remember that the common and unspoken rule is that you exit the airplane much like you do in church. By row...starting at the front and ending at the back. This does not mean that you rush up from the back of the airplane and block the rows of those who are trying to exit the way they’re supposed to.

Common sense and common courtesy. Follow these simple etiquette guidelines and you too, can be smarter than a 5th grader.

Thank you and happy flying.