It’s been almost a month and I still can’t think about her without getting emotional. If someone tells me that they’re sorry for my loss, my eyes well up with tears.
At the age of 50, I’ve become parentless. Cancer took the life of my dad 28 years ago and less than a month ago, that same cancer stole my mother from me. I’d like to say that it crept in like a thief in the night but that’s not the case. Instead, right in front of our very eyes, it slowly and boldly ravaged her body. Piece by piece, it took her away from her family and her friends.
Amazingly enough, I’ve actually had some people say to me, “At least you knew it was going to happen, you were prepared.” I’m here to tell you that nothing prepares you. Nothing. Just because you know it’s going to happen, that the cancer will eventually end their life, it doesn’t make it any easier and it doesn’t make the pain any less.
When my dad passed away, I was young, just barely 22. And while his death saddened me, I knew that I still had my mom. My mom - the woman who chose me - who cared for me, nurtured me and loved me unconditionally...despite my many faults.
When I got the call, I literally raced to Oklahoma, praying that I’d get there in time. My girlfriend Mary told me on the phone as I was driving, “She’ll wait for you.” I literally drove like a bat out of hell. I found out later that my friends and family placed bets on how fast I would drive that day. (for those of you who were wondering, 80-85 all the way.) Weird truth - I didn’t see a single state patrol in Nebraska but saw quite a few in Kansas and Oklahoma. Not a single one of them stopped me. It was like they didn’t even see me as I went flying past them. I truly believe I had angel wings helping me get to my mom that day.
When I got to hospice and my mom realized I was there, she took my hand in hers, looked at me and said, “There’s that beautiful smile that I love so much.” My mom and I spent some time alone together on Sunday chatting about various things and her last words to me were, “Take care of your sister. I love you so very much.”
The pain of losing my mother is profound. Since her death, a piece of me is missing and my heart sometimes feels as if it will never heal. More than once I’ve caught myself picking up my cell phone to call her - to ask her a question, to tell her something about one of her grandkids or to share the progress of Lynsay and Cody’s wedding plans. Or, just to say hi and tell her that I was thinking about her. I miss her.
I wasn’t ready and I wasn’t prepared.
No comments:
Post a Comment