~ Moments

This summer, as my mom’s birthday seemingly loomed before me, I began to feel a little lost, even panicky.

In all the years that my mom had been living back in Oklahoma City, there had only been a few times that I didn’t make it home for her birthday. When I would be evasive or nonchalant about going home, (wanting to surprise her, of course) it was like she had the ‘mom-dar’ on at full blast because she instinctively knew that I’d walk through her door the day before her birthday.

After a few conversations with my sister, the decision was made; I’d go home anyway and we’d celebrate her birthday. While we wanted to honor her on her birthday, it was more the case that we needed to do it for us. Closure, maybe?

In some ways, I was reluctant to go, dreading it in a way. Not because I didn’t want to see my sister but because being home without my mom there - I didn’t know if I could do that. It was definitely weird driving into the city and going to my sisters instead of my mom’s. Definitely weird.

I can’t put into words how it felt standing at my mother’s grave the morning of her birthday. The mix of emotions were like a fast moving thunderstorm rumbling through my heart. I felt anger because she wasn’t there. Just as quickly, I felt sadness at the loss of the woman who was always my biggest fan. I thought of all the milestones she has and will miss and my heart literally ached. And then, as if she were standing right there next to me, I felt peace, almost tranquil.

I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever get over losimg her or will I always have this heavy sadness in my heart. Will I ever be able to think about her or write about her without tears? I do know this - she will always live in my heart, in that special place that is reserved just for her. And now, when my mind conjures up her image, she’s laughing and her blue eyes are twinkling, either doting on her grandchildren or enjoying her friends and the job she loved so much.

When it comes to my mom, those, I’ve learned, are the moments to live for; the moments to keep close, the moments to keep alive, the moments that will forever burn brightly in my heart.

And in case you were wondering, my sister and I had a fabulous time. We laughed. A lot. We shed a few tears. We shopped and layed out in the sun. We kinda sorta creeped on the motorcycle guy who lives in her complex. What can I say, he was quite the specimen, all big and bad in his black leather. *shrugs* She took me to the bar where she plays in her pool league and I got to meet her friends. The DJ even played a special song for me. Oh Mickey you're so fine . . . .

And Sissy? If you’re reading this? I can't remember if we took that, "What happens in Oklahoma stays in Oklahoma" oath, so I'll just say....Helloooooooooooo . . . .