I’ve been working on this for weeks. And now, as I sit here in the quiet of the house, Murphy not only sleeping soundly, but gently snoring on the floor next to my feet, (which, I have to say, sometimes makes me chuckle to myself) a glass of wine at the ready and Wayman Tisdale jazzing it up from my iTunes, my mind has decided to go blank. Go figure, huh?
Isn’t it funny how once we hit mid-life, we realize our lives have almost come full circle. As teenagers, we’re rebellious; full of piss and vinegar and ready to take on the world. Our motto was, ‘we’ll do it first and think about the consequences of our actions later’. Much later. By the time we’re ready to get married and settle down, our parents have finally heaved that huge sigh of relief, thankful that we (and them) made it through those tumultuous teenage years. We go on to get jobs (real ones), buy a home and have a mortgage, have babies and find ourselves muddling through parenting as best we can. And at the end of our babies teenage years, we heave that huge sigh of relief. Just like our own parents did so many years ago. Full circle.
At almost 50, I can honestly say that I’ve led a full life. Not, by any means, one that I’m prepared to give up. I’m married to a man who loves me more than life itself. He’s learned to just shake his head as he tolerates my quirky and sometimes Type A ways. He’s forgiving of my shortcomings, of which, I tell you, are many. He’s a good provider and loving father. I find that I’m damn lucky to have him in my corner.
I have two kids who never cease to amaze me. One is quiet and laid back like his dad while the other is sensitive and passionate like her mom. They’re both a good mixture of two parents who love them more than I can say. And Stinkerbell? I’m sorry you’ve got more of me than you do of your dad...lol.
I have a loving family and while we’re scattered all over the place (okay fine, I’m the only one who’s so far away) we still manage to keep in touch while loving and supporting each other through life’s journeys.
I have a circle of friends who stand beside me through all of the speedbumps in the road. They love me and support me and vice versa. Without our friends, what do we have, right? We have our family, but sometimes, if we’re very lucky, we find a circle of friends who somehow surpasses ‘friendship’ and they also become ‘family’.
I’m sure all of us can say this about ourselves and our lives. But what I’ve discovered is it’s not until we find ourselves facing our own mortality that we sit up and realize what we have and know that we’re not near ready to give it up. It’s like we all of a sudden have this huge epiphany and we want the entire world to know.
Mine came about in January, after having my yearly mammogram. Following that phone call telling me that I had ‘abnormalities’ in both breasts, has been 3 months of worrying and waiting and oftentimes reflecting on the type of wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend I’ve been. I would find myself wanting to be alone where I could think. I’d find myself laying awake at night. I’d ask myself if I had been a good and loving wife and did KJ know how much I loved and respected him. Was I a loving mom? Did I nurture them and teach them everything I wanted to teach them. Did I prepare them for marriage and for parenthood. Did I leave them with memories of a childhood that they could look back on with love and laughter. Would they be able to laugh and smile and cry happy tears and was it a childhood they would want to share with their own children.
It’s really odd the things you think about when faced with the possibility of a serious illness. It’s like the demon of illness has suddenly decided to invade your head and make you question everything you’ve ever done in your entire life.
During these 3 months, KJ has been right beside me. Albeit, he hovers at times, but he’s been right here when I needed him. Loving me and giving me strength. Making me laugh and letting me know he loves me. I have to be honest here and admit that I’ve sometimes taken his love for me for granted. After finally letting friends and family know what was going on, all I can say is I’m blessed to be surrounded by such love and support.
In a way, it’s sad that we sometimes don’t realize how fortunate we are until faced with an illness, either that of our own or that of a friend or family member. I’d like to think that I’ve been everything I’ve wanted to be to everyone who has been a part of my life. I’d like to think that I’ve touched lives in a positive and loving way.
The thing is, I’m not perfect. However, the good thing is, I’ve got quite a few years left to become a woman that I can be proud of. Years and years to continue on with this life.....a series of journeys that will continue to come one after another.
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