It’s been five months since my mom passed away. During these five months I’ve made new discoveries and have had several ‘life’ reminders.
Life Reminder: Life is short and every minute of every day is just as precious as the day that came before it. Make each and every day count, say what you need to say and let your feelings be known. That old saying, “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today” is the truth.
This reminder came about in February when a close family friend passed away suddenly from massive heart failure. It was a tragic way to be reminded of just how short life can be. It was a painful reminder to savor each day, surround yourself with friends and family, make memories and just live life.
Discovery: It’s okay to mourn and to grieve but it’s not okay to allow your grief to grasp you in its clutches and take over your life.
In all honesty, I think I started to grieve the moment I drove out of a Village Inn parking lot to make the move to California in May of 2008. Believe me when I say that the tears started flowing from that parking lot until somewhere in Colorado. The moment I left, I was already grieving the loss of my children; the loss of the opportunity to see them on a daily basis, to watch them continue to grow and astound me with their love for life and their thirst for adventure, excitement and knowledge. KJ will be the first to say that I wasn’t exactly ‘helpful’ during the moving preparations. Oh, I was excited for a new chapter in our lives and a new adventure in California, but when it came right down to it, leaving my kids was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
When my mom passed away, I allowed my grief, (which I sometimes think is just a ‘fluff’ word for depression) to complete the circle, so to speak. By allowing it to kick in at full force, I let it reach out and grasp me tightly in its clutches. I continued to wallow in self-pity. I wanted nothing more than to be left alone. Secretly, if I didn’t have any human contact at all, I would have been okay with that, too.
During this 3-year time period from moving to California, then moving back to Omaha and then losing my mom, I lost interest in doing things. I was floundering and didn’t really care. I attempted to job hunt but admittedly, I never really gave the search my all. I gained weight and wanted nothing more than to sit back in my room with a book. Sadly, I was perfectly content with that. Even sadder was the fact that KJ was worried about me, but even that wasn’t enough for me to realize what I was doing to myself. I have to say that during this period, if it wasn’t for KJ, the kids and my steadfast group of friends, I truly believe I would have allowed myself to continue that downward spiral into a deep and dark hole.
The truth of the matter is, there were times when I felt as if I were standing on a ledge, just teetering on the edge of it. I can’t tell you the exact time that I finally stopped floundering and the fog began to lift but I do know with absolute certainty that it began during the drive from California to Omaha for our move back home.
It’s been a slow and sometimes painful process, this journey back to ‘my life.’ Because of my numerous blessings: a good life, a loving and supportive husband, amazing kids, my circle of friends who are always here when I need them, and my return to a job I love, I am now at that point where I can move forward and look to my future with bright and clear eyes.
I will forever miss my mom. I will still continue to pick up my phone to call her two or three times a day before realizing that she's not there. But even I know that my mom wouldn't approve of my floundering.
The 4th of July and New Year's Eve will never, ever be the same now that Raf has passed away. He's the second one of our group to leave us at such a young age and his and Sally's absence will always be felt.
But, life goes on and we must move forward and look to our future. And if I really think about it, those who have gone before us wouldn't want it any other way.
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