~ The True Spirit of Christmas

This year, the girls at school and I took part in the ‘Adopt a Family’ program that the school district does every year. We sat down and made a list of ideas that we could get each family member. Armed with that list, and the “Wish List” from the family, we shopped. Although there are only eight of us in this generous group of women, seeing the pile of gifts for this family in our social workers office, you would think there had been an army of us.

We did stockings for each family member, filling them with items that we would get for our own families. We split the ‘wish lists’ up, each of us getting one or two items off of each list. We pondered over each gift, sometimes stressing, because we wanted to be sure this family had a 'better than' good Christmas.

The end result – a smile on the face of the dad when he spotted the stockings and then said his kids have never had a Christmas stocking. A bigger smile on the dad’s face when told that there was even a stocking for him.

The end result – knowing that there will be one family waking up on Christmas morning to a Christmas that they’ve never had before.

This is what the true spirit of Christmas is all about: the gift of giving, and not having any thought of receiving something in return. Of opening our hearts and showing kindness, warmth and love to complete strangers.

Needless to say, there are eight women whose hearts are doing the happy dance as we walk around the rest of the afternoon with oversized smiles on our faces.

Merry Christmas, ladies. I'm honored that I get to surround myself on a daily basis with women who are as kind and generous as all of you.

~ Blessings

16- California. I’m very fortunate that we can go back to California for vacations and holidays. Especially during those winter when I need to thaw out my bones.

17- Health. Considering the fact that I’m over-weight and going on a diet and exercise plan would work wonders for me, I’m amazingly healthy. In a world when so many of our friends and family members either have cancer, have lost their fight to cancer or have some other dreaded illness, I’m thankful that KJ, the kids and myself are all in good health.

18- Murphy. What would I do without my shadow? KJ bought him for me when we were living in California to keep me company because he was traveling so much. There were many days when Murphy was the only living thing I’d see. I swear he can look right into my eyes and understand every word I say to him. And I know he can sense when I need him to just sit close to me. His entire world revolves around me and while there are days when I’m a crabby pants, he still loves me. Unconditionally.

19- The right to an education. I am so thankful that KJ and I were able to provide our kids with a good education. They both made it through college with degrees in fields that they like and because of that, they both have jobs in their field and are able to provide for themselves.

20- Technology. The things we can do with technology these days amazes me!

21- Canada. Karen, I miss you and I am incredibly blessed to have you in my life. That is all.

22- Nebraska. I’ve lived in Nebraska since I was 16 years old and even though I was born and raised in Oklahoma City, Nebraska is my home. I absolutely hated this place when I first moved here. I was a senior in high school and the last thing I wanted to do was move to a new state and make new friends. I was sure I would hate it (and I did) but as I got older, I grew to love it here. Nebraska is where I ‘grew up’, met and married my husband, and raised my family. This is definitely home. Oh yeah, I’m a Big Red fan, too!!

23- “Material” things. A roof over my head, clothes on my back and food on my table.

24- Holidays. That time of year when your friends and loved ones gather together to enjoy the warmth and love of fellowship that only they can provide.

25- Black Friday. That one day out of the year where you don’t sleep. You shop, drink lots of coffee, and stand outside in the dark and cold for deals that will surely be there the following week. But most of all, you make incredible memories.

~ Back off Christmas, It's Not Your Turn

This just makes me giggle . . . .

~ Missing You

“A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones. ”

― Kristin Hannah

It’s been a year now; a year since you left us, a year since you were laid to rest in your final resting place.

I miss you every day. A ‘feel it deep in my bones’ miss you. And sometimes, it feels as if this pain will never go away. I have so much to tell you; questions to ask and advice to heed. I have celebrations to share with you and pictures for you to gush over. I need your reassurance, I need to hear you say, "this too shall pass". I need to hear your voice, to hear you say, "I love you" one more time.

I miss you. Every day.

~ Blessings

12- Books. My love of books comes from my mom. From the time I was small, she taught me to appreciate the gift of books and the written word. I remember when I was in grade school, I’d be the one who would get the certificates for reading the most books over the summer and during the school year. To this day, I keep a ‘book diary’, keeping track of books I want to read and books I have already read. Thank you mom, for fueling the fire; I will be forever grateful.

13- Music. I love music and I have my dad to thank for that. He was in the radio broadcasting business and music was a staple in my life. Some of my earliest memories are of my dad playing his banjo while singing along. My mom would smile and sometimes sing along and I’d be twirling around to the beat of the music upstairs in my room. While I don’t have a talented musical bone in my body, (I learned this in junior high while in band) thanks to my dad, I can definitely appreciate music and everything that entails.

14- My job. Can I just tell you how much I love my job??? Seriously. Not counting the almost 3 years that we lived in California, I’ve had this job for 12 years. I started working at the high school in 1996 and was ever so thankful when I got my exact same job back just this past March. Having my job back has saved me in so many ways. Thankful. So very thankful.

15- Weekends. Seriously, who doesn’t love weekends? Weekends are reserved for sleeping in, spending time with friends and family, running errands, and vegging. Yep, gotta love weekends.

~ Blessings

It’s November, that time of year when we pay more attention to who and what we’re thankful for. My intention was to do a daily blog this month, mentioning one thing every day that I’m thankful for. While my intentions were good, it’s been a crazy busy month so far and I haven’t been able to do that. I’ve been blessed with so many different things and so many different people in my life. I can honestly say that I have a ‘rich’ life just by the people that I surround myself with.

I’ll get caught up today, on 11-11-11 of all days, and do my best to do a daily blessing through the end of the month.

I’m Thankful For . . .

1 – KJ. Without him, I’d be a mess. His strength, wisdom and love keeps me going. Because of him, I'm a mother and for that alone, I'll be forever thankful. We laugh every day and I know that even though I’m not perfect and I’m definitely not the Barbie doll he married almost 30 years ago, he still loves me just the way I am. We may not always be on the same page but I know that he'll always be there for me, walking beside me and ready to catch me if I fall.

2 – Ryan Michael and Lynsay Michelle. My babies. My heart and soul. The two reasons I’m not just a good mom, but a great mom. They have taught me humility and the true meaning of unconditional love. They are the true gifts in my life.

3 – Cody Lee Luchsinger. My new son-in-law. He loves Lynsay with a passion and for that I’m more than thankful. As the mother of a daughter, I’ve always worried about the man she would one day fall in love with. You want that man to love her deeply and passionately. You want to know that that man will always be there for her; that he’ll never let her down, that he’ll be a good husband and father. With Cody, she’ll have all of that and more.

4- My mom. She ‘chose’ me and despite my many faults and imperfections, she loved me fiercely and unconditionally.

5- My sister. Even though we’re not ‘blood’ sisters, we’re sisters in every other sense of the word. We’re there for each other…always. More importantly, we’re friends.

6- Girlfriends. Can I just say that life is so much better when you have girlfriends to share it with? Your girlfriends automatically ‘get it’. They don’t look at you with that ‘deer in the headlights’ look when you’re telling a story. They can be brutally honest when you need them to be and at the same time, be your staunchest supporter. You don’t like someone? They don’t like them either. Loyalty, baby.

7- Coffee. I love my coffee. The smell, the taste, the gazillion flavors it comes in.

8- Chocolate. Chocolate shouldn’t be included in the basic food groups; it should be it’s own basic food group.

9- My family. We’re small but oh so mighty.

10- Fall. I love Fall. It was one of the main things I missed while living in California. I love everything about fall…the leaves when the change colors, the smell of the air, the crisp, cold mornings. And, Daylight Savings Time. Yeah, I love that one.

11- Veterans. We are the land of the free because of those who continue to protect our country. They leave their friends and families behind while they continually put their lives on the line for us. For our freedom. These men and women are committed to protecting our country and our values. Be so very thankful for them.

~ With The Exchange of a Ring

It’s amazing to me how an event that can take over a year to plan will finally arrive, and then, with the blink of an eye and the exchange of a ring, it’s over. After a 14-month engagement, Lynsay and Cody tied the knot on October 15^th, 2011. After months of planning and last minute fine-tuning, ‘Wedding Day’ finally arrived.

As the mother of the bride, I may be a bit prejudice, but I swear the day couldn’t have been more perfect. The sun was shining and the temperature outside was a glorious 74 degrees. Personally, I believe that my mom had a little something to do with the weather; there wasn’t a cloud or raindrop to be found. In the warmth of the sun, I felt her presence. The bride was breathtaking and the groom was handsome. The ceremony was beautiful and touching, the reception was simply elegant, and the dance had downtown Omaha rockin’ and rollin’. It was truly a night to remember.

The moment a little girl marries off her Ken and Barbie, sending them off on a romantic honeymoon in Barbie’s pink convertible, visions of her own wedding begin to dance through her head. I can only imagine how many ‘princess’ weddings there actually are every year. As her mom, I can only hope that Lynsay’s wedding day was everything and more than she ever dreamed it would be.

There are so many little details when planning a wedding and I have to say that Lynsay didn’t miss a single one. Because it was her wedding, I did my best to keep in the background, offering advice or words of wisdom only when she asked me. I had my own wedding almost 30 years ago; this was her wedding and naturally, like everything else, she wanted to do it her way. And truth be told, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

It was a celebratory weekend, to be sure; friends and family from near and far were there to share in the glorious day. It was evident to all in attendance that Lynsay and Cody were surrounded by loved ones and that same love was felt throughout the entire weekend.

Sitting in the pew watching as KJ walked her down the aisle, a lump formed in my throat. Watching him look at her before handing her over to Cody, I actually sobbed a bit. But sitting there made me think. I thought back to my own wedding day and how my mom must have been feeling on the day I married KJ almost 30 years ago. I wondered if, at any time, she felt that ‘loss’ that I was feeling. Oh, I know that I wasn’t actually losing Lynsay, but I have to admit that a teeny tiny part of me was longing for the days when she would crawl up on my lap and fall asleep, the days that I was the first person she wanted to see at the end of her day, and the days she would reach up for my hand as we walked through a crowded store. With the exchange of a ring, she transformed to a Mrs.

I've discovered that it’s one thing when your kids move out to live in a place on their own and it’s something totally different when they get married. At that point, their spouse becomes their first priority and suddenly, with the exchange of a ring, there’s another family to be considered when it comes to celebrating holidays, birthdays, etc.

However, there is this huge positive aspect to consider when your child gets married; the addition of a ‘new’ child. I now have a son-in-law and I couldn’t be more thrilled. KJ and Ryan now have an extra ‘vote’ while Lyns and I have that “3-2” vote to look forward to. With the exchange of a ring, our family of 4 became a family of 5.

Lynsay and Cody, my wish for you is a lifetime of belly laughs, and a houseful of babies just like you; babies with a joyous nature and a laughing spirit. May you always walk side by side and never forget that in life, it’s not so much about the destination as it is the journey. Always, always savor the journey.

May your marriage be a long and unforgettable journey filled with an abundance of love, never-ending laughter, miles of patience, and a strong and unbending faith that will help carry you up and over whatever speed bumps life will inadvertently place in your path.

Remember that home, whether near or far, is not only where your heart is, but always where your family is.

And always remember that I love you both . . .

~ Life Goes On

When tragedy strikes, our friends will tell us that life goes on. We then tend to look at them as if they had three heads. In our mind, we’re thinking they’re crazy and have no clue at all as to what they’re actually saying and how we're actually feeling. I only say this because when I lost my mom, friends would tell me that in time, the pain would ease and that life would go on. While I realize that these words were said with my well being in mind, I remember thinking to myself that the pain of losing my mom will never ease and that while I knew life must go on, it would have to do so without me.

I now know that that is how we think when we lose someone we love, whether it’s a parent, a spouse, a child, a friend, etc. In our mind, life as we know it, is over. I’ve since learned that while our lives may never be the same due to the immense absence of this person in our lives, it does, indeed, go on.

At the beginning, we grudgingly put one foot in front of the other, taking baby steps back towards our life. Day by day, we reclaim bits and pieces of a life that we feel was stolen from us; a life that has now been ‘readjusted’ without our permission.

At first, we don’t recognize the signs. We slowly begin to laugh again. We once again begin to appreciate the little things that we somehow came to ignore, from a blazing sunset sky to a beautiful fall day. We allow our hearts to be touched. We somehow pull ourselves up off the floor of our own despair and toss down the cloak of sadness and self-pity that we’ve been wearing. We let the light replace the darkness, and once again, we begin to live.

I don’t know that there is a set mourning period, or a length of time that we’re supposed to give ourselves to grieve the loss of a loved one. I do know that since losing my mom, I’ve gained more weight than I did while I was pregnant with each of my kids. Obviously, I’m an emotional eater. I know that I became very good at hiding my grief and sadness, plastering a smile on my face when all I wanted to do was hide at home, away from the world. I also know if not for the continued love and support I receive from my husband, my kids, my sister, and an incredible circle of friends, I would have allowed myself to drown in my own dark pool of self-pity.

I’m not ashamed to admit that the pain of losing my mom is still sometimes as fresh as if it happened just yesterday, and I still have days when I cry for absolutely no reason other than the fact that I miss her so terribly. I cry not only for the loss of my mom but for that lost sense of family; the threads of family that bound us together have now unraveled and become so tangled, it will never be the same again.

But, as we all know, whether it’s one step at a time or one big, giant leap, life does, in fact, go on. It will do this with us or without us and we can choose to participate or watch from the sidelines as it passes us by. I have so much to be thankful for and I, for one, am ready to embrace my now readjusted life.

~ Peace and Tranquility

With the miserable heat wave we’re in and humidity that is so bad I could squeeze a gallon of sweat out of my clothes, I’m seriously missing the ocean.

I miss the sound of the waves as they crash upon the shore, the smell of the salty ocean air, and the feeling of warm, grainy sand squishing between my toes. I miss the cool ocean breeze that seems to come off the water at just the right time and the squawking of the seagulls as they take a nose-dive in and out of the water, searching for food.

But most of all, I miss the peace and tranquility that immediately envelops me the very moment I smell the sea air and see the whitecaps glistening like faraway diamonds.

~ Moments

This summer, as my mom’s birthday seemingly loomed before me, I began to feel a little lost, even panicky.

In all the years that my mom had been living back in Oklahoma City, there had only been a few times that I didn’t make it home for her birthday. When I would be evasive or nonchalant about going home, (wanting to surprise her, of course) it was like she had the ‘mom-dar’ on at full blast because she instinctively knew that I’d walk through her door the day before her birthday.

After a few conversations with my sister, the decision was made; I’d go home anyway and we’d celebrate her birthday. While we wanted to honor her on her birthday, it was more the case that we needed to do it for us. Closure, maybe?

In some ways, I was reluctant to go, dreading it in a way. Not because I didn’t want to see my sister but because being home without my mom there - I didn’t know if I could do that. It was definitely weird driving into the city and going to my sisters instead of my mom’s. Definitely weird.

I can’t put into words how it felt standing at my mother’s grave the morning of her birthday. The mix of emotions were like a fast moving thunderstorm rumbling through my heart. I felt anger because she wasn’t there. Just as quickly, I felt sadness at the loss of the woman who was always my biggest fan. I thought of all the milestones she has and will miss and my heart literally ached. And then, as if she were standing right there next to me, I felt peace, almost tranquil.

I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever get over losimg her or will I always have this heavy sadness in my heart. Will I ever be able to think about her or write about her without tears? I do know this - she will always live in my heart, in that special place that is reserved just for her. And now, when my mind conjures up her image, she’s laughing and her blue eyes are twinkling, either doting on her grandchildren or enjoying her friends and the job she loved so much.

When it comes to my mom, those, I’ve learned, are the moments to live for; the moments to keep close, the moments to keep alive, the moments that will forever burn brightly in my heart.

And in case you were wondering, my sister and I had a fabulous time. We laughed. A lot. We shed a few tears. We shopped and layed out in the sun. We kinda sorta creeped on the motorcycle guy who lives in her complex. What can I say, he was quite the specimen, all big and bad in his black leather. *shrugs* She took me to the bar where she plays in her pool league and I got to meet her friends. The DJ even played a special song for me. Oh Mickey you're so fine . . . .

And Sissy? If you’re reading this? I can't remember if we took that, "What happens in Oklahoma stays in Oklahoma" oath, so I'll just say....Helloooooooooooo . . . .

~ Lazy Days of Summer

It’s a perfect cloudy day here and you’re probably thinking how can a cloudy day be perfect? There’s a cool breeze coming through the open windows and the patio door. The birds are singing and the mad dog down the street is barking like there’s no tomorrow. (Note, the barking I could do without, but hey, it’s part of the scenery.) It’s threatening to rain but all we’ve had so far are a few hit and miss sprinkles. I’ve got a perfectly brewed cup of Snickerdoodle coffee, my iTunes are feeding my music craving, and Murphy is already dozing at my feet. It’s one of those days that to me, defines the phrase, “lazy days of summer.” And even though it’s one of those rare cool, cloudy days that I love, I still want nothing more than to have my toes buried in the sand on a warm, sun-kissed beach.

I will admit that two weeks into summer vacation, even though my toes aren’t buried in the warm sand somewhere, I’ve definitely been enjoying my lazy days of summer. I’ve been reading like a fiend, and like the nerd I am, I’m keeping a ‘book diary’ of the books I’ve read. I’m on book number 8 right now, and while I’m no literary genius and my choices for summer reading walk a fine line along the border of something that either titillates my body or stimulates my mind, I love to read. I devour books and that is a trait I got from my mom; the love of reading.

Sadly, this is the first summer that I haven’t baked myself while lying next to a crystal clear swimming pool and admittedly, I miss it. Yes, I know that lying in the golden sunshine is not good for our skin unless we slather on the sunblock, but since I was a kid, lying by a pool has been one of my favorite summer things to do. At the end of the summer, my body was a healthy, glowing golden brown and my freckles were out in abundance. I still love to soak up the sunshine while lying by or floating in the pool, but these days, instead of giggling with my friends while trying to get the attention of the cute lifeguard, it’s done with a book and an adult beverage close at hand.

So far this summer, I’ve stuck close to home, traveling only as far as Columbus to visit Lynsay & Cody. Plans to visit my sister have been made and I’ll soon be on the road to Oklahoma. With any luck, before summer vacation comes to a close, KJ and I will find ourselves back in California for a few days.

There is certainly no shortage of things to do this summer ~ the Summer Arts Festival, Santa Lucia festival, the CWS, Papillion Days, Red Sky music festival, baseball at Werner Park, the list goes on and on. I already have plans to do a few of those things, with the College World Series at the top of the list. With the planning of Lynsay’s wedding in full throttle, there are bridal showers to attend, invitations to address and my own dress to shop for.

So far, I’ve had a good start to my lazy days of summer and hey, if you want lessons on how to be lazy, let me know; KJ will tell you that between Murphy and I, you’ll not only learn the art of laziness firsthand, you’ll master it in no time.

~ About Friendship

"I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff."

— Jon Katz

These girls and I have been friends for many, many years. This picture, taken 4 years ago on a trip to California, is one of my favorites of us. I chose this particular picture because these girls are the epitome of this quote, and when I found this quote, it’s this group of women who immediately came to mind. The Pipettes. With each other, we are a strong force to be reckoned with. Without each other, well, let’s just say without them, my life would be missing the warmth, love, and kindness that they continually bestow upon me.

I miss you guys and I love you all . . .

~ A Shout Out

It’s a well known fact to friends and family that I love my children more than life itself. Where my husband is my better half and my constant source of strength through life’s many trials and tribulations, my children are like bright rays of golden sunshine that filter through the clouds on a cold and dreary day. They have the ability to fill my life and my heart with a warmth in a way that only our children know how to do.

I’ve watched them both strive to find their place and leave their mark in this world. I’ve watched them not only set goals for themselves but achieve those goals that have been set. I’ve watched them push themselves, working tirelessly, sometimes burning the candle at both ends just to meet their goals.

When they entered college, they both chose a field of interest and stayed on course. We never pushed them towards a certain field or a more lucrative career. We counseled and advised when asked but ultimately, the choice was theirs and as parents, we supported them every step along the way.

So when Lynsay graduated from college last week with not one, but three degrees, I admit that as her mom, I was a bit disappointed for her in that her accomplishments couldn’t have been given the recognition that she deserved. Granted, she’s not the only college student to graduate with more than one degree and that day, she was just one fish in a sea of 1700; but she’s my fish and on that day, I wanted the whole world to know what she had accomplished.

I sat there that day and wondered how many other moms were there, frantically searching for that familiar face in a sea of black robes and then, with eyes glued to their child, watched as that child's first day of kindergarten played through their minds like an old familiar movie. I wondered if I was the only mom there who was so proud, that I was moved to tears. I wondered if KJ and I were the only parents whose eyes welled up with tears when we found her name (on page 25) of the program.

I know we weren’t. It was not only evident in the massive number of parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends who filled the auditorium that day, but it was abundantly clear in the cheers, the shout outs, the whistles, the cat calls and the blow horns.

While I realize that there’s not enough time to devote to calling out each individual degree that a student has earned, a small part of me wanted to jump up from my seat, fist pumping in the air as Lynsay’s name was announced and she was rushed across the stage and down the ramp. I wanted to shout to anyone who would listen how this amazing girl had exceeded all of our expectations and was not only graduating with 3 degrees, but had made the Dean’s List as well. As her name was called, I hooted and hollered before looking over at her dad, giving him that knowing smile that parents around the world give each other when one of their children has done something that we, as parents, deem incredible.

Stinkerbell? Here’s your shoutout: Congratulations on your degree in Business Management, your degree in Marketing and your degree in Entrepreneurship. And an extra big shout out for achieving that final goal you set for yourself: making the Dean’s List. We’re extremely proud of you.

~ On Mother's Day: A Letter To My Mother

Dear Mom,

It’s a strange coincidence that the six-month anniversary of your death just happens to fall on Mother’s Day. Six months - sometimes it feels like six days.

As you would expect, I’ve had my moments since you’ve been gone. I still catch myself picking up my cell phone to call you.

Sometimes it’s to share news or a story, but oftentimes it’s just to say hello and to hear your voice. The letdown I feel when I realize that you’re not there to pick up always leaves an ache in my heart.

My meltdowns,when I have them, happen mostly in private. I can be driving somewhere and I’ll see something that will spark a thought or a memory, and the tears that immediately sting my eyes threaten to spill. But it’s usually late at night when I’m in the shower that I allow myself to give in to my grief and to let the tears fall. Admittedly, there are times when those same tears turn into deep, soul-wracking sobs. Missing you, at times, is an overwhelming emotion.

I wonder if you witnessed my first ‘public’ meltdown a few weeks ago. I had stopped at Hallmark to get balloons for a friend and decided that while I was there, I might as well get my card shopping done. Because I had a few Mother’s Day cards to get, I decided to hit that section first. However, while standing there, the reality of you not being here on Mother’s Day was like a hard fist to the gut. It was as if the wind had suddenly been knocked out of me and that dreaded feeling of claustrophobia crept in, pulling me under and wrapping me in a dark shroud of sorrow. As hot tears blurred my vision, it was all I could do to pay for the balloons, offer a hurried explanation and get out the store. Once inside my car, I laid my head on my steering wheel and sobbed.

I can tell you that your LynsayLoo missed the sound of her Mimi’s voice singing to her on her birthday. It was then that I realized that I would never again hear you sing to me on my birthday.

But not all days are sad or hard days. There are happy days and joyous occasions where I know, had you been here, you would have been touched and proud.

Like the simple gesture of a gold cross being passed down from one generation to another. The same gold cross that was passed down to you and then to me, has now been passed down to your granddaughter. She was as touched as I was when you gave it me, and she wore it proudly for her confirmation and 1st Communion. You would have been so proud of her.

You would also be proud of her college graduation. She graduated from UNO with a triple major this weekend and she will soon be blazing her own path to the tune of, “My Way.”

In the short time that you’ve been gone, I’ve lost a childhood friend to cancer and then Raf to a sudden and totally unexpected heart attack. The finality of losing Raf has yet to set in. And although this first year of your passing has and will bring me more than my share of melancholy moments, it will also be a year where happiness will be scattered throughout, floating like the bright stars that fill the night sky.

Although it will be my first Mother’s Day without you, it’s the first year in two years that I’ll be with Ryan and Lynsay. This was the first Christmas in years that I was able to spend it with my sister and I hope that it was the first of many.

This year, your grandson had a milestone birthday - he’s now a quarter of a century old. It seems like yesterday when you would hold him in your arms and he’d make all those funny, “Ryan” faces. Now he’s renting a home, has a good job and is enjoying this stage of his life.

Our big joyous occasion this year will be Lynsay’s wedding. Along with her confirmation, her 1st Communion and college graduation, my Stinkerbell is getting married. I can still see in my minds eye her little fingernails with pink polish on them. She was so proud of those and you were so proud that she sat there so still, letting you paint her nails for the first time.

Like a sprinkling of Tinkerbell’s pixie dust, these past memories and upcoming moments fill my heart with love and warmth, despite the absence of you.

Your grandchildren ~ I know that you would be so proud of them.

As I come to the close of this letter, I wonder, as I so often do, if you knew how much I loved you. Did I show you that even though you didn’t give birth to me in the usual sense, you were my mother in every way imaginable. Did you know how lucky and truly blessed I felt that you ‘chose’ me, and that in my heart, you are my only mother. In spite of my flaws and countless imperfections, you loved me anyway, and you did so uncondtionally.

I hope I made you proud ~

With all my Love,

Happy Mother’s Day

~ My College Graduate

5-year College Education . . . . $60,000

New dress/shoes for the occasion . . . .$100

The look on her face when she got her diploma . . . Priceless

Congratulations, Stinkerbell; we’re so very proud of you and all that you have accomplished along the way. You never gave in and you never quit, bound and determined to show everyone what you are made of.

I know that you'll soon be blazing your own path and I know that you'll be doing it with style, with grace, and with that fierce determination that you've shown the past five years.

~ Summer

Summer . . . I’m ready

~ Balance & Empty Nest Syndrome

I love working and I love my job. It’s a job that I’ve loved since I started at the high school in 1996. Having my old job back after not working for three years is exciting.

That being said, while I love my job, I find that I’m having a hard time finding my ‘balance’ now that I’m actually working again. I seem to always be in a rush once I get home. At the end of the school day, I get home, start a load of laundry, do whatever needs done around the house and then start dinner. After dinner, I clean the kitchen, finish the laundry and then try to relax for an hour before I shower and get ready for the next work day. Somewhere in all of this, I try to find time (at least I hope I do) for KJ and Murphy.

I’m now starting to wonder how I managed to balance work and home when the kids were young. I worked 7 hours a day, 5 days a week (granted, I had school breaks and summers off), I taxied the kids to and from all their activities, doctor/dentist appointments; I cleaned the house every week, did 5 to 6 loads of laundry a week, and the grocery shopping and yet I don’t recall being frazzled or ever feeling rushed.

Is this because as parents of young children, we throw ourselves full steam ahead into our parental duties, not caring that we also work 35-40 hours a week? Or are we just so tired at the end of each day that we don’t realize that we’re frazzled or feeling rushed? Is this what ‘being balanced’ is when we’re parents and we don’t recognize or know what being ‘off balance’ is?

Granted, I’m still a parent, but Ryan and Lynsay are now 25 and 23 respectively. They’re both on their own and are in charge of their own lives. They are finally the ‘boss of themselves.’ I no longer have to drop one off at football and the other off at dance. I am no longer the magician, who, at one time, could actually be two places at once.

It’s not like I have to rush home and get that laundry list of things done all in one evening. It’s not like KJ is demanding and wants his dinner on the table the very second he walks in the door. If his blue shirt isn’t clean, he’ll wear the black one; it’s no big deal to him.

So why do I feel like I’m always in a rush to get things done? It’s because for 18 years, this was my life. I was raising my children – I was a parental taxi making sure each one was where they had to be at the time they had to be there. I made sure they had clean clothes to wear and hot meals to eat. I got them to the doctor and the dentist, the weekend sleepovers and the mall. I was super mom. And in between the carting around, the cooking, the cleaning, and the laundry, I still managed to spend quality time with both of my kids.

And now I miss it. I feel off kilter if I’m not busy (imagine how I must have felt in California where I wasn’t working and my kids were 2,000 miles away). I am finally feeling that ‘empty nest’ syndrome and I have a confession to make: I don’t like it. Not one little bit.

Maybe this is all in part because it has finally hit me that Lynsay will be graduating from college in two weeks and then moving right away to Columbus. Add to this her approaching wedding in October – yeah, empty nest syndrome. When KJ was traveling and Ryan left for college, it was just Lynsay and I. Now she will truly be in charge of her own life and while I’m incredibly thrilled for her, at the same time I’m a little sad. The time period that I have been looking forward to and dreading at the same time is finally here – it’s called “Empty Nest “ and it’s not anything that I expected.

Maybe as mothers, we’re supposed to feel off-balanced at this time. Maybe as mothers, this is just part of our make up, part of what makes us a mom. While I hate to say it, I also wonder if it goes back to that feeling of being needed by our children. I’m just going to say yes to all of the above and let it go at that.

Empty Nest – something we all look forward to but not always everything it’s cracked up to be; the time in our lives where finding our balance doesn’t come as easy or as quickly as we’d like. That time period in which we start praying for grandchildren and we can once again be blissfully balanced.

~ Happy Birthday, Stinkerbell

“Be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud.”

... Maya Angelou

Today is Lynsay's 23rd birthday. It's been a day of celebration, a day of 'mother/daughter' bonding, a day of me getting as much time with her as I possibly can before she moves to Columbus in May. She has, along with her brother Ryan, always been the brightest light in my life.

She inspires me, she never ceases to amaze me, and she continually fills my life with a joy that even I can't express. She's always danced to the beat of her own drum.

She's not perfect by any means. She's impatient and stubborn, and for one so young, set in her ways.

But she's mine and I am filled with unconditional love for this beautiful young woman who not only will graduate from college in two weeks, but who is ready to go out into the world and blaze her own path. Trust me when I say that she'll do this her way. I wouldn't have her any other way.

Happy Birthday Stinkerbell, and thank you for always being the rainbow in my cloud.

Before

before I ever held you

in my arms ~

before your tiny hand curled

itself tightly around my

little finger ~

before your crooked toothless grin

could instantly melt

my heart ~

before you looked at the world

with eyes full of

awe and wonder ~

before you crawled at the

speed of light ~

before you uttered your

first word ~

before pre-school and junior high,

slumber parties and the

discovery of boys ~

before make-up and high heels,

homecoming and prom ~

before softball, dance lessons,

and your first car ~

before your first breath

and

before your first step . . .

. . . I loved you

Love,

Mom

~ A Pipette Dream Come True

A store where we can shop for wine AND shoes??? Or maybe it’s a store where we shop for shoes while drinking wine??? Either way, it works!!!

~ Moving Forward & Looking To The Future

It’s been five months since my mom passed away. During these five months I’ve made new discoveries and have had several ‘life’ reminders.

Life Reminder: Life is short and every minute of every day is just as precious as the day that came before it. Make each and every day count, say what you need to say and let your feelings be known. That old saying, “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today” is the truth.

This reminder came about in February when a close family friend passed away suddenly from massive heart failure. It was a tragic way to be reminded of just how short life can be. It was a painful reminder to savor each day, surround yourself with friends and family, make memories and just live life.

Discovery: It’s okay to mourn and to grieve but it’s not okay to allow your grief to grasp you in its clutches and take over your life.

In all honesty, I think I started to grieve the moment I drove out of a Village Inn parking lot to make the move to California in May of 2008. Believe me when I say that the tears started flowing from that parking lot until somewhere in Colorado. The moment I left, I was already grieving the loss of my children; the loss of the opportunity to see them on a daily basis, to watch them continue to grow and astound me with their love for life and their thirst for adventure, excitement and knowledge. KJ will be the first to say that I wasn’t exactly ‘helpful’ during the moving preparations. Oh, I was excited for a new chapter in our lives and a new adventure in California, but when it came right down to it, leaving my kids was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

When my mom passed away, I allowed my grief, (which I sometimes think is just a ‘fluff’ word for depression) to complete the circle, so to speak. By allowing it to kick in at full force, I let it reach out and grasp me tightly in its clutches. I continued to wallow in self-pity. I wanted nothing more than to be left alone. Secretly, if I didn’t have any human contact at all, I would have been okay with that, too.

During this 3-year time period from moving to California, then moving back to Omaha and then losing my mom, I lost interest in doing things. I was floundering and didn’t really care. I attempted to job hunt but admittedly, I never really gave the search my all. I gained weight and wanted nothing more than to sit back in my room with a book. Sadly, I was perfectly content with that. Even sadder was the fact that KJ was worried about me, but even that wasn’t enough for me to realize what I was doing to myself. I have to say that during this period, if it wasn’t for KJ, the kids and my steadfast group of friends, I truly believe I would have allowed myself to continue that downward spiral into a deep and dark hole.

The truth of the matter is, there were times when I felt as if I were standing on a ledge, just teetering on the edge of it. I can’t tell you the exact time that I finally stopped floundering and the fog began to lift but I do know with absolute certainty that it began during the drive from California to Omaha for our move back home.

It’s been a slow and sometimes painful process, this journey back to ‘my life.’ Because of my numerous blessings: a good life, a loving and supportive husband, amazing kids, my circle of friends who are always here when I need them, and my return to a job I love, I am now at that point where I can move forward and look to my future with bright and clear eyes.

I will forever miss my mom. I will still continue to pick up my phone to call her two or three times a day before realizing that she's not there. But even I know that my mom wouldn't approve of my floundering.

The 4th of July and New Year's Eve will never, ever be the same now that Raf has passed away. He's the second one of our group to leave us at such a young age and his and Sally's absence will always be felt.

But, life goes on and we must move forward and look to our future. And if I really think about it, those who have gone before us wouldn't want it any other way.